beautiful things instantaneously

1997年看過的電影。

在哪里？在哪里見過你？

你的笑容這樣熟悉

我一時想不起

在時過境遷之后，在2009年2月14日的上海又看到。一個人靜靜的坐在黑暗中看。只是覺得人在時間中真的渺小，看過時間流去，事件發生。只是那個人最后的最后在你轉身時卻又在那里了。

在現實中，有幾個人是幸運的可以在回首時仍有當初愛的那個人在呢？

有時我懷疑去電影院的原因是不是可以在黑暗中哭一場呢？

2009年的2月14日，我在上海的電影院里看甜蜜蜜。終于是又一次的哭了。

只是這一次是為了自己的故事，還是電影里的故事，是無從知曉了。

在夢里。

When many people describe Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale as science fiction, I read it with my eyes wet, as an emotional journey. Indeed, it is a science fictional story set in a democratic United States of America-turned theocratic state when the nuclear, biological and chemical pollution rendered a large portion of the population sterile and a terrorist attack abolished the US constitution. Thus an imaginary state the Republic of Gilead was formed under the rule of a military dictatorship. It’s a state run by a government which degrades women’s status down to merely a means of reproduction under the name of God and the Bible. Comprising a few social critiques, including religious movements, feminism, the backlash against feminism, and terrorism, the novel presents a dystopian version of life in a country under a totalitarian regime.

Offred, the protagonist narrates the story of her life being a handmaid who along with other women, exists in a void-like world with no trust, love, or escape. She tells her story in fragments, with many flashbacks through which the readers slowly envision her life before and after she became Offred.  The story is quietly told in a not-much-happening atmosphere and it exists only because you are listening.

In a world without freedom, Offred has the unfilled amount of time. “Time as white sound”; “the long parentheses of nothing.” She travels through time in her memories to her rebellious lesbian friend Moira, her peculiar feminist mother, her lost daughter, and more often her husband Luke. In Atwood’s poetic descriptions, these passages of memories with Luke are lovingly tender but also heartbreaking to read.  

“We would lie in those afternoon beds, hands on each other, talking it over… How were we to know we were happy? But now it’s the rooms themselves I miss as well…I wanted to feel Luke lying beside me. I have them, these attacks of the past, like faintness, a wave sweeping over my head. Sometimes it can hardly be borne.

“Lying in bed, with Luke, his hand on my rounded belly. Thunderstorm outside the window… A flash of lightning, quite close, Luke’s eyes go white for an instant. I’m not frightened. We are wide awake, the rain hits now, we will be slow and careful. If I thought this would never happen again I would die…It’s the lack of love we die from. There’s nobody here I can love, all the people I love are dead or elsewhere.”  

As the story moves forward, the Commander starts to summon Offred to his office at nights. There is a possibility of an affair between them. However, she does not like him and he only wants to play Scrabble with her. She still takes in what he has to give to the emptiness of her life: moisturiser, a women’s magazine, a cheap lipstick, a costume-like dress with feathers, and a night out in the underground brothel.

Love happens in the very last part of the book, or it almost does. In order to have a baby, the Commander’s wife Serena Joy arranges Offred to meet Nick, the chauffeur. In Nick’s single room above the garage, sex isn’t a ritual anymore. Desire and love sparkle in Atwood’s again poetic but also fast-paced descriptions. “He begins to unbutton, then to stroke, kisses beside my ear.” The imaginary or real-existing thunderstorms, lightning and searchlight glow and flash. “His mouth is on me, his hands, I can’t wait and he’s moving, already, love, it’s been so long, I’m alive in my skin, again, arms around him, falling and water softly everywhere, never-ending. I knew it might only be once.” She herself isn’t sure how it happens either, “the way love feels is always only approximate”.

She then takes risks and goes back to him again and again. In the glow of the searchlight filtered through the white curtains she memorizes him, to save him up so she can live on the image. “The lines of his body, the texture of his flesh… I ought to have done that with Luke, paid more attention, to the details, the moles and scars, the singular crease; I didn’t and he’s fading. Day by day, night by night, he recedes, and I become more faithless.” She knows each time with him might be the last, and if more, that is a surprise, extra, a gift. Love is a spark, lost in the dark. Her momentary happiness bears as much hopelessness as love.

However, when the story is at its climax, it also abruptly ends. Offred is taken away by the authorities that are led to her room by Nick. He tells her to go with them and says “it’s alright.” So she sets off into “the darkness within; or else the light.” Her memories end here with an ambiguous ending of not knowing whether she escapes or dies, whether Nick has betrayed her or saved her.

In this beautifully written book, it looks like nothing much happens within pages of the poetic style of writing, but at the same time a lot happens intensely like waves one after another. Atwood imaginatively creates a dystopian society, but more importantly she weaves together one’s memories of the past and the feelings of love. Love and desire are sensually described with metaphors such as flowers and water, but moreover, are heartfully perceived. She tells the story with great compassion. It is not only a story that brings you the chill to rethink about society, but also a story that brings out your own memories till you are in tears.

The Handmaid's Tale, by Canadian author Margaret Atwood, is first published by McClelland and Stewart in 1985.

当许多人说Margaret Atwood的The Handmaid’s Tale是一部科幻小说时，我将其作为一次情感的旅程，读到双目泪湿。诚然，这是一个带着科幻色彩的故事。当生化污染使很大部分的人口失去生育能力以及恐怖分子袭击国会之后，一个民主的美国变为神主的政权，于是形成一个军事独裁的Gilead共和国。这是一个在神和圣经的名义下将女性的地位下降到单纯的生育工具的政权。小说包含了数个社会评论题材，从宗教运动到女权主义，女权主义的反作用以及恐怖主义，展现了一个在极权主义统治下的“反乌托邦”世界。

女主人公Offred叙述了自己同其他女人一道作为女仆(handmaid,出自圣经故事)的生活。她们生活在一个没有信任，没有爱，也无从逃遁的几乎真空的世界里。她的故事是片断的，如电影中的回忆片断。读者在这些记忆碎片中慢慢将她的前世今生拼接在一起。故事在很安静的氛围中叙述，仿佛没有太多事情发生。它的存在也只因为你的聆听。

在一个没有自由的世界里，Offred有着永远也填不满的时间。“时间如同白色的声音”；“空洞的无限长的插曲。”她于是穿越时空在漫长回忆中旅行，不断地回去与亲人的回忆之中：她的叛逆的女同性恋朋友Moira，她古怪的女权主义者母亲，她失散的女儿，且更多的是她的丈夫Luke.在Atwood的诗歌般的描述中，与Luke的那些片断温柔无限，却又读来让人心碎。

“我们躺在下午的床上，手握着对方，一再谈过…我们怎知道我们是幸福的呢？现在我连那些房间本身也是想念…我想要感觉Luke躺在身边。我拥有，那些来自过去的攻击，如同晕眩，波浪从我头上打过。有时我觉得无法承受。

躺在床上，同Luke一起，他的手在我拱起的腹部。窗外有雷鸣…一道闪电，很近，Luke的眼睛一下变白。我不害怕。我们大醒着，下雨了，我们会很慢会很小心。如果我想到这些再不会发生，我便会死去的…我们会因为没有爱而死去。这里没有我可以爱的人，我爱的人都已经死了或在他方。“

当故事继续推进，司令官开始在夜晚将Offred召唤到他的办公室。他们之间有着发生什么的可能性。然而，她不喜欢他，而他也只是想要和她玩Scrabble游戏。她仍然将他所能给的尽数拿过来填补她空虚的生活：润肤霜，一本女性杂志，一支廉价唇膏，一件戏服般带羽毛的裙子，以及一次地下妓院的夜游。

爱情在小说的最后部分发生，或者是几乎发生。为了让Offred怀上孩子，司令官的夫人Serena Joy安排了Offred与司令官的司机Nick幽会。在Nick那间车库上方的单人房里，性不再只是仪式性的。爱欲在Atwood诗意且快节奏的描述中如同电光石火。“他开始解钮扣，然后抚摸，在我耳边亲吻。”抑或想像抑或真实的雷鸣，闪电以及探照灯交错闪耀着。“他的嘴在我的嘴上，他的手，我等不及而他在动，已经是，爱，过了那么久了，我在我的肌肤上又是活的了，手臂缠绕着他，我在下落，周围都是温柔的水，永不止息。我知道这可能只是唯一一次。”她自己也不确定这是怎样发生的，“爱的感觉从来也只是大概。”

然后她不断的冒着风险一再去见他。窗外的探照灯经过白色窗帘照进来，微弱的灯光中，她用力去记住他的样子，用来保存起来。“他身体的线条，他皮肤的肌理…我应该对Luke也做同样的事，给更多的注意，那些细节，痣和伤疤，每一道的褶皱；我没有，于是他在淡去。一日一日，一夜一夜，他变的模糊，我变的意冷心灰。”她知道每一次与他都可能是最后一次，若有再多，便是惊喜，是多余，是天赐。爱是火花，失落暗处。她瞬间的幸福中承担的无望是与爱一样的多。

故事在它到达高潮时也截然而止。Offred被Nick引领到她房间的人带走。他告诉她跟他们走，且说“你会没事的。”于是她步入黑暗；抑或是光明。”她的回忆也在此中结束，留下一个模糊的结尾，不明生死，也不知Nick所为是背叛还是挽救。

书写的非常的美，诗歌般的写作风格中看似章节与章节之间没有太多发生，却又有着太多的发生，如同波澜，一浪一浪的相接。Atwood极具想像的创造了一个“反乌托邦”社会，但更重要的是她将一个人对于过去和对爱的感觉的记忆一针一线的织造出来。爱与欲的声色描绘用花朵与水来做比喻，且用心感知。她满是怜悯的讲述这个故事。这不仅仅是一个让你重新来思索所处的社会的故事，且是一个引出每一个人自己的记忆直至热泪的故事。

The Handmaid's Tale，加拿大作家Margaret Atwood作，最初由McClelland and Stewart于1985年出版。

Reviewed for Zing, Feb 2009, Shanghai.